Romance & Finance: What If She Earns More?

The romance and relationships landscape is changing. We have more women in graduating from universities than ever before, joining the corporate sector and going up through the ranks, and earning more than they have before. We are also marrying later in life, compared to our parents (especially mothers) who married in their early 20s. This means that as women  look for a partner to settle down with in their 30s and 40s, they are more likely to find partners whose pay is equal or less than theirs.

Money is a sensitive thing in relationships. Last month we had a Twitter chat about paying for dates, and it was clear that while perceptions are changing, most people still believe that is is the man’s role to pay for stuff, the woman should just support that role. There is a popular saying, “there is no romance without finance”.  What happens when the reality does not fit our perception?

Ramit Sethi asked his predominantly American readers to comment on this, and just like in my Twitter chat, there are readers who felt that it is very important for the man to be able to provide. There was a feeling that most women are comfortable earning more because it means they are secure financially. There was also a claim that men can never really be comfortable with women earning more, and those that claim to be are pretending.

However, most of the married men and women in this situation shared a few valuable pointers on how it had worked out for them, and factors that may make the difference in a relationship where the wife is earning more than the husband.

1. Mindset and upbringing

Like mentioned above, a lot depends on the mindset of the people in the relationship. If the woman believes that the measure of the man’s love and devotion is how much he pays for stuff, then of course the relationship will suffer if the man is not in a position to do this all the time. If the man’s ego is attached to his ability to earn more than his wife, the relationship will have conflict.

When you are looking for a partner, it is important to consider his/her mindset towards money. Remember, money issues are the leading cause of conflict in relationships and where partners have different money mindsets, the relationship is likely to fail once the woman’s financial status changes.

2. Ambition or perception of ambition

Most modern women on the post were comfortable earning more, but said that the man must be ambitious and dedicated to what he does. There is a difference between earning little because of the nature of one’s work, and earning little because of lack of ambition. Where it is the former, most women tend to understand and will be encouraging. Where the man earns less because he lacks ambition, she will get resentful, especially if she is working extra hard, and extra hours to keep the family afloat and this will affect the relationship adversely.

3. How much support she is getting at home

Running a home and raising children takes a lot of time and energy off one’s career and this is the main reason why many women are delaying marriage. However, this changes if they get a partner who is able to support them at home, and they are willing to trade off additional family income for this support. A woman will however get resentful if she spends an entire day at work, and still comes home to cook and care for the babies, yet the less busy man is watching TV or enjoying leisure activities while she works.

There has to be value in the trade off otherwise the relationship will sour.

4. Quality of life trade off

The men that are comfortable with the woman earning more cited quality of life as a factor. If her earning more means being away from home for extended periods of time, or endangering her health because of stress and long working hours, then they would not be comfortable in the relationship.

Traditionally, women have been ok raising families on their own while the breadwinner pursues his career, but when the script is flipped, the men do not feel comfortable with their wives losing touch with the family so as to earn more. I think this is a great thing, though it’s worth probing the motivation. Is it that the men want happier, more connected wives, or they just want them to be available to do more domestic labour?

Would the above also be valid considerations in the modern Africa context? With the career landscape changing, have we adjusted our relationship expectations, or are our expectations still traditional (the man provides and the woman raises babies)?